Who Am I?

If I had to describe my life to a blind man could he tell me who I was? Let’s try. Hello Mr. I don’t know you but I need someone to talk to. Someone that will not judge me for what they see but listen to what they hear and feel through my testimony. I have tried to find someone who will listen to me I have even signed up for therapy. The shrinks don’t seem to understand me but yet they charge my insurance constantly. I have found friends from every walk of life surrounding me but none of them are truly here for me. I have two small children who need me daily but it’s hard being mommy and daddy. I spend my days being a personal taxi at time’s I feel I’m driving miss daisy. The kids have so much scheduled it’s hard to keep up with my own agenda. I like to keep busy through-out the day, because I have 7 months to get rid of. The dirty clothes are piling up but screaming will not help. I cry every time I walk in the house, the echo in hear is louder than the mouse. I’ve always been scared to live alone sometimes I wish I had a clone. Mostly so I can have help cleaning this big home. All over my white walls are placards of achievements, ribbons and achieved goals. They are signed by chiefs and CO’s. I try not to look at the walls when I’m alone but it’s hard to do when your love is gone. When I grocery shop I see women like me, shopping alone and yelling at their babies. The checkout lines are long and we pile our groceries high to the top to make sure we don’t have to come back to this place and shop. Before I leave this store I get help out. Not because I’m lazy but because I like to tip the man who helped me out. When I’m home I’m constantly online. I write so many emails a day I should be a reporter. Most of them are about the kids and what I have done through-out the day and how I plan on spending the next few days. I enjoy them even though they don’t seem like much because it makes me feel good until the next seven months. One time I wrote an email that was long and heart felt and my computer crashed I damn near melted. I jumped on the phone with apple and yelled at the representative on the line. Told them it took me all night to get that email right. I told her she wouldn’t understand me if I told her why this was so hurtful and meant so much. But that was one email that explained my pain for the next seven months. Oh well! I guess there is nothing to do next. So kissing the children and climbing in bed is what I tend to do best. As you can hear my life is routine I spend my days thinking of several things. When I’m alone I become an inventor, chef, superwoman and other things. Once seven months has passed I get all dressed up I look my best. I get the kids dressed and explain to them be on your best. I drive to the place I must show my I.D this is the part that bothers me, but before anything I understand safety. I’m in a rush but its security. I wait and I wait my seven months has come. I see all kinds of people with blue hats on. The women are crying the kids are excited I look beyond the crowd: Wait it this my present? My husband has come home he’s walking towards me with his sea bag on. So, Sir from what you have heard and all that I endure my life has just started over and I’m waiting for 7 months to come again. I don’t want to bore you with this life that I live. Please tell me who am I so I can start this journey again. The man says to me “Ma’am I’ve heard your story I know someone close that has told me the same. She broke down to me saying the same things. I applaud your journey and I wish you well. I Know seven months is  a long time to wait but when uncle Sam calls we wave from the gate.  I have been in your shoes I was not always this way I lost my vision in combat one day. I knew from the way you expressed your pain that you had to be MILITARY. Spouses have it hard they serve just the same.  You’re a brilliant woman and you are doing great. Your husband should be proud your holding things down. Please don’t ever stop being a PROUD MILITARY SPOUSE.”

Shante Richardson


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